Why is modern breakfast cereal so soulless? When I was a child, not only was cereal a delightfully sweet sensation that brightened the early morning of yet another day of school based drudgery, but you also had the wonderment of finding a little packet of toy within the box. Perhaps it was a small car, or a felt tip pen, or a code ring…or whatever. It didn’t matter what it was per se, but it was the fact that somewhere within the cereal was a prize and there were several to collect. It made it even more exciting. Plus you were faced with the moral dilemma, do you root through the cereal straight away and find the toy, or did you wait for the exciting moment when you were pouring out your breakfast only to have the toy land in your bowl?
Well that joy is dead! Unless you happen to live in America, where they still have a glorious array of brightly coloured and delicious breakfast cereal, with toys. In this country we’re forced kicking and screaming into the beige Cromwellian monotony of “healthy” breakfasts. Shackled to the empty mastications of bland bran and mindless muesi. Because it’s GOOD for us, because that’s what we’re told we must eat. No toys! Toys are far too frivolous and fun, no, what you want is a money off voucher for a long distance run, or perhaps some kind of buy one get one free triathlon coupon? Text this number, log on to this website, there’s nothing for YOU inside this box.
These poor sorrowful children, waking up in the pre dawn gloom of another school day are faced with a hideous fibre soaked bowl of despair with nothing but the promise of money off EXERCISE if their parents follow a website link and are willing to pay for an adult ticket. What? What kind of sick, cruel joke is this?!
Perhaps it’s to get children accustomed to the nanny state over the top corporate hammering of “eat your five a day, don’t smoke, drink responsibly, exercise, love the friendly bacteria, plan for your future, go for a run every day” type of world that we’re living in now. A world where instead of Thundercats and He-Man, we’ve got people like Sporticus, who wields nothing more impressive than a damn apple (or “sports candy” as they call it – seriously) and wants to jog all day long. You want fruit based superheroes? We’ve already got Bananaman, what the hell is wrong with Bananaman you souless, souless people?
Bring back Lucky Charms, bring back my little plastic toy and focus your bran fuelled energy at adult cereals, let the adults have their cardboard flakes of misery, they don’t have any taste buds left anyway.